I had a mind once. Now I have small children.

Sunday, February 19, 2012

It's a Conspiracy!

Attention Moms:
I don't really know how to tell you this other than to just come right out and say it.  Someone out there is conspiring against us all.  A big someone.  A HUGE someone in fact, that has infiltrated all of our homes and our precious little children's minds.  Am I making you nervous?  Because, you should be.

Who do we turn to, oh so often, when we want to entertain our little ones?  Whose toys do we buy by the truckload for Christmases and birthdays?  Who do we depend on for good wholesome family fun?  Why, that would be none other than Mr. Disney himself.  Well, he is dead, so technically not "himself," more like his multi-gazillion dollar empire.  Cars, Princesses, Nemo, Toy Story, and of course good ol' Mickey and Minnie.  But, have you ever stepped back and really looked at the whole picture?  I'm guessing not, because if you had, you would have come to the same terrifying conclusion that I have...  Disney hates Moms.

No, really, he does.  He MUST!  How else could you explain the fact that all the moms in his movies are DEAD?  Think I am exaggerating?  Let's take a look...

Cinderella:  Mom and Dad both dead.  Evil stepmother is her guardian.  (Apparently Disney does not discriminate between mothers and stepmothers, so at least there's that.)

Belle:  Mom passed away.  Dad crazy.

Ariel:  Mom deceased.

Jasmine:  Guess who is dead?  Mom, that's who.

Snow White:  Again, Mom is bereft of life.  Enter evil stepmother.

Aurora:  Ok, she her mom is technically alive, but never gets to speak.

Lilo (from Lilo and Stitch):  Mom has expired, and so has dad.

Pocahontas:  Mom is resting in peace with the spirits.

Nemo:  His mom met a very untimely and ugly fate.  

Huey, Dewey, and Louie (Donald Duck's nephews):  They have an uncle, but I had NO idea he had a sister that had ducklings.  Oh, I guess she must have been someone's dinner.

Rapunzel:  Ok, I'll let this one go.  She does indeed have a living mother and father.  But, let's not forget the fact that she was kidnapped by an evil woman pretending to be her mother.

Tiana:  I think she is the only princess that has a loving and kind mother-figure.  Then again, they killed off her dad because having 2 living parents and no evil step-parents just doesn't really work in a good story.

I am cautioning you, Moms of the world.  Watch your back.  Disney is lurking around every corner waiting to off you and/or your husband.  Consider this your warning.


Friday, February 17, 2012

The Ultimate Barbie Sin

When Peach was born, I decided to start a collection for her.  I always wanted the holiday Barbies when I was growing up.  So, for her first two Christmases, Peach got the holiday Barbie for that year.  Only the first two years.  Those suckers are expensive, and when there were other things that she actually said she wanted, my plan fell by the wayside.  But, I had these two beautiful ladies, displayed in their boxes on a shelf in her room.  And she didn't notice them...  Until recently.

Not long ago, Peach started asking me about the pretty princess girls on her shelf.  At first I brushed her off.  She has plenty of dolls to play with, she didn't need those.  But, she got more and more insistent, and it seemed as though I couldn't keep her thoughts away from her collectibles on the shelf.  Finally one morning, after she asked me about 437 times in the span of 5 minutes if she could open the "princesses that are up so high," I just gave up and conceded.  My ultimate plan was for her to have a Holiday Barbie for every year until she was 18, and then she could do what she wished with them.  But, since I had already missed 2 out of 4 of them, I figured what the heck.  And what girl wants a perfectly packaged Barbie just sitting there, not being played with?  Not Peach, that is for sure.

So, I committed the ultimate Barbie collector sin.  I got them off her shelf, while she danced around me singing, "Barbie, Barbie, I love a Barbie!"  I brought them down to the kitchen, got out the scissors and started hacking away.  And when I say "hacking away" I really mean that.  Have you ever tried to get a Barbie doll (or really any other toy) out of it's packaging?  I swear there must be solid gold buried deep inside each doll.  There is no other explanation for the fact that they are literally sewn, glued and screwed into those boxes.

After a good 15 minutes of cutting, prying, and cursing, I finally freed Barbie 2008 from her box.  Peach held out her sticky little hands and breathed a soft, "Oh, she is so pretty!"  Then I started to get excited.  Barbie was my ultimate favorite toy when I was a kid.  I still remember when I got Peaches and Cream Barbie and Ken from my Aunt Mets one year.  I would brush their hair, dress them up, and play with them for hours.  And now, I get to do that with my sweet Peach!

I fought my way through Barbie 2009's prison and finally released her from her shackles.  Peach reached out again and hugged both dolls tightly.  As I started gathering up the aftermath, she headed up to her room to play with them in the princess castle.  I went up with her and played for a little bit, until it was time to go to preschool. 

This happened two weeks ago.  Since then, she and Luigi played with them one time.  He used his Angry Birds to "kill them" and they have been lying in the hallway like this ever since:

I keep thinking she is going to go back and want to play with them.  I've even asked her if she would like to include the Barbies in with the Princesses when we play.  "No, they are dead," she will calmly tell me.  "Don't move them, ok."  Oooooo-kaaaayyyy. 

And so, I offer a humble apology to Barbie purists everywhere.  I am nothing but a silly mom, taking priceless dolls out of their cardboard homes, so my son and daughter can torture them.