I had a mind once. Now I have small children.

Friday, August 27, 2010

An Update

I realized this morning that it has been a while since I posted something. And I know everyone that reads this has been sitting on the edge of your seat just waiting for something new. Well, friends, wait no more! Here is an update on life with the Goombas.

First off...Mario is back to school and Luigi started preschool! Hip-hip-hooray! Was it bad that I did cartwheels around the house on Mario's first day? We were all very excited to get back to a routine and a week later Luigi had his very first day of school. I started to get a little veclemped at the fact that my little man was off to school. Then he ran into the classroom, with barely a glance over his shoulder because he saw a choo-choo to play with. When I tried to kiss him goodbye, he gave me the, "don't let the door hit ya on the way out, mom" look. Ok, then. Go. Have fun with your teacher and your new friends. I'll go have my breakfast margarita and enjoy the peace of just one child in the house.

Speaking of just one child in the house...Peach has found a whole new reason for living. Monday, Wednesday and Friday mornings. That is when she can play with anything in the entire house that she wants, without anyone stealing it away from her and hitting her with it. She is in Heaven. I worried that she would miss her brothers and be lonely without them. Not so. She does her little head-bobbing crawl from room to room just touching things that belong to the boys--because she can.

Also, Peach has picked up a rather strange habit recently. I'm not exactly sure where this came from, although I do wonder. She likes to follow me around the kitchen and lick my legs. Yes, you read that right. My daughter follows me around and licks my legs. So, here is one for the List of Things I Never Thought I Would Have to Say... "Peach, please don't lick Mommy's legs."

Another new and possibly exciting adventure...Bowser has been interviewing for a new job. This job would take him back to the office 5 days a week like normal working folk. He hasn't decided yet whether or not to take the offer. I am having some mixed feelings. On one hand, it would be nice if he would get the heck out and let me run the house the way I want (and the way God intended, of course). Absence makes the heart grow fonder right? We haven't been absent from each other in a while. I'm just sayin'... On the other hand, it is nice to put Peach down for a nap and run to the store while he is home. Decisions, decisions.....

In the world of the Koopa Troopas (our kitty cats), KT 1 has decided not to keep her food down anymore. She has left regurgitated Meow Mix all over the house. Let me point out to you that this wouldn't be a problem if she did her yacking downstairs where it is all hardwood floor. Nope. She insists on doing it upstairs where it is all carpet. So now we have crazy orange stains all over our upstairs. It's lovely. Even worse is that I sometimes catch KT 2 sniffing and licking it before I get it cleaned up. Nice. Vomit eating cats.

And that is about it here in Mario-World. I hope that all of you Moms are enjoying your time now that school is back in session. Peach and I are available Monday, Wednesday, and Friday mornings for breakfast margaritas and leg-licking.


Wednesday, August 11, 2010

The Worst Mom Awards

Recently I had one of those experiences that left me feeling like the worst mother on the face of the planet. We went to Mario's back to school night and all three of them acted like little heathens. They were running around, screaming, and acting like no one had ever taught them any kind of manners. Luigi ran up to everyone and yelled in their face. Peach screamed every time I walked more than 2 steps away. It was fabulous. I tried not to make eye contact with any of the other moms, because I could just feel their thoughts of "Why doesn't she control those children?" flying through the air at me.

We made it home, although the Goombas almost ended up on the side of the road with a "for sale" sign on them. When we got home I went to my computer and checked Facebook. Because Facebook makes everything better. I posted about it and got several comments from other moms claiming that THEY were the worst mom ever. Then one mom posted the best idea I have ever heard. The great Ms. A suggested an awards ceremony for the worst moms ever.

I love this idea! You can only nominate yourself (because as moms we should never judge each other) and it is all in the spirit of fun. Here are a few of the categories...

~Too Much TV Award. This is for the Mom that allows her children to watch FAR too much television. As we all know, those oh so smart doctors at the American Academy of Pediatrics recommend no more than 2 hours of tube time a day. And NONE at all for children under 2. Something tells me there will be many competitors in this category, with me right there at the top of the list.

~Kids Throw a Temper Tantrum in the Store/Restaurant Award. We've all seen it, and most of us have been there. Little Bobby wants a toy. Mommy is not going to get it for him. Temper tantrum of epic proportions ensues. I try to be strong when this happens. I ignore it, I put said tantruming child in the cart and walk away, I have even left the store/restaurant. It keeps happening. Anything can set it off. Once it was because the French Fries were too hot. You become a front-runner in this category if you don't actually toss your kid out the window when he is in full on tantrum mode.

~Chicken Nuggets for Dinner Again Award. Let's face it. Kids are extremely picky eaters. Sometimes you just want to get some food in them. And, that whole "offer it to them 10 times and they will eat it" theory is a load of...you know what. So, yes. It is chicken nuggets, or pizza, or grilled cheese for dinner. For the 13th night in a row. If you have a problem with it, then YOU can try to feed my kids grilled salmon and veggies. You automatically win this award if they won't eat anything unless it is doused in ketchup or ranch dressing.

~Made the Kids Play Outside By Themselves Award. Some Moms...the perfect ones, I guess...can engage their children in educational and fun activities all day long. I am not one of those Moms. Sometimes, I just need a few minutes to breathe. Especially now that Mario and Luigi don't nap. So, yes, sometimes I send them outside to make their own fun. Does this make me a bad mom? No, it makes me a winner--of a Worst Mom Award!

~Lost Your Cool With the Kids in Public. We all want to look like awesome Moms when we are out in public. We plead with them to behave, we gently lead them away from trouble, we even bribe them with candy if they will just listen. And sometimes, none of this works. That is when you just lose it. This is what happened at back to school night. I actually YELLED at Luigi and Mario in front of other parents and Mario's new teacher. I was done bargaining. I just needed them to behave. Was I extremely embarrassed after it happened? Yes. Did they behave after that? For about 2 1/2 minutes. You definitely qualify for this award if you have ever lost it in front of Grandma. We all want to impress our Moms/Moms-in-Law, so falling apart in front of them makes you a Worst Mom winner.

And now...the Best Picture of the Worst Mom Awards....

Took Away Fun Because the Kids Didn't Behave Award
. This is a really tough Award to win. To be able to nominate yourself, you must have taken away some kind of beloved fun from your child because they misbehaved in some way. Child talked back to you? You took away the Wii for the rest of the day. Child threw temper tantrum in store? You took away Thomas for an hour. Child didn't do chores? You took away allowance for the week. Oh this can be so hard, because we don't want to take things away from our kids. But, they have to learn somehow that behaviors reap consequences. You are a winner of this Grand Award if your child has actually called you "The Worst Mom Ever."

Some other award categories...
~Ignored the Kids to Facebook Award
~Kids Repeat Naughty Words They Heard You Say Award
~Left the Kids With Dad For the Weekend So You Could Have Time for YOU Award
~Let the Kids Listen to Inappropriate Music in the Car Because You Like It Award
~Fed the Kids Non-Organic, Sugar-Filled Food Award
~Sent the Kids To Bed Early Because You Were Done for the Day Award

Congratulations to you if you find yourself in one or more of these categories!! You are my kind of Mom! And by the way, if you feel you can win one of these awards, that means you are rockin' it as a parent!


Tuesday, August 10, 2010

The Time Warp

Have you ever noticed how quickly our children grow up? I am finding it hard to believe that the Goombas are 7, 3 and almost 2 years old already. I mean, what happened to those years? Where did they go? Wasn't it only yesterday that I was bringing each one of them home from the hospital in their little baby burrito blankets? I am watching them grow so fast and they amaze me every day. It's as though since the Goombas came along, I have been living in some sort of time warp, where the years are rushing by too fast.

But, this is not about THAT time warp. I'm talking about the other kind. The one that I suffer from nearly every day as a SAHM. I'm talking about how you can look at the clock and it says 3:08 p.m. Ok, you think. I can do this. Only 2 more hours till dinner. So, you play with the kids for a while, you check your Facebook, you sift through the mail, you get the kids milk and snacks... Then you think, oh! It must be about 4:45. Time to start dinner! You look at the clock and--what the WHAT??? It is only 3:11?!?!?!?! GAAAAHHHHHHH!!!! And that, my friend, is when you are stuck in the Mommy Time Warp.

We have all been there. In our house, I find that this happens several times a week. Usually between the hours of 3 and 5 p.m. For some reason, those hours just drag on and on and on and on. Sort of like when you are trying to get a 3-year-old to put on his shoes, go potty and get out the door. You could probably write a dissertation on nuclear physics in the same amount of time.

And, it isn't just me. Mario, Luigi and Peach will wail with boredom during these hours. They are waiting for Daddy to be done working so the minutes creep by at a snail's pace. "Daddy will be done working in about 45 minutes," I tell them. "Go play." They putter around for a while and finally find something to do. They are entertained for what seems like a good, long while and then the Time Warp strikes. When they ask me again, "How long till Daddy is done working?" I look at the clock and--AAK! "Sorry kids, it's still going to be about 43 minutes."

Some other warped moments in time are...

~Bedtime. There are nights when it seems like bedtime is never going to come. I try not to look at the clock, but every time I do, only about 30 seconds has passed. I think it is some kind of evil trick, planned by the Goombas to make Mommy go crazy.

~Naptime. You know those days when you really, really have to get something done, and it would be SO much easier to do it without children hanging from your limbs? Those are the days the Time Warp will get you. The project just looms over you as the minutes go backwards.

~Driving across certain Mid-Western states. On those long trips to Zazzy and Papa's house, we can usually make time go by fairly quickly. Then we get to the point where we are out of things to talk about and we have played all our favorite songs on the ipod. I look out the window and see mile marker 276. About 3 1/2 hours later, I look out the window and we are at mile marker 281. Apparently Dwight D. Eisenhower liked to put Time Warps on his Interstate system.

Of course, the Time Warp can also turn on you in an instant. Like when you finally get a date night with your husband. Recently, Bowser and I decided to drop the kids off at grandma's house so we could do a little shopping and go to see a movie. I think I blinked my eyes twice and suddenly it was 30 minutes past when we said we would come pick them up. And we hadn't even eaten yet. Wait! We just left...I neeeeeeed moooooooore tiiiiiime!!!!!!!

If only there were a button, you know, like the Staples Easy button. Only it would be the Time Warp button. When you realize the minutes are passing more slowly than frozen molasses sliding off a turtle's back, Bam! You just hit the Time Warp button and you warp ahead. And on the contrary, when they time is whizzing by you faster than you can change your third kid's diaper, Bam! Time slows down and you can actually finish that movie and eat dinner, too.

Wow. I just realized it has taken me 3 days to write this post. And the time warp strikes again.


Friday, August 6, 2010

Great Mom Inventions

I am on a quest. My quest is to become an independently wealthy woman so that I never have to work, I can hire a maid, a chef and a personal trainer, and my beer supply never runs low. I have decided that the only way to really make this happen is to invent something that the world can't live without. And there are just SO MANY things that the world cannot live without! My expertise lies in the area of parenting (of course, I am such an expert, you know!) and so here are just a few of my inventions that are going have me rolling in the dough...

1. The Self-Pushing Swing. Yes, I love to push my kids on the swings. They giggle with glee and have such fun flying through the air. But, let's get real here. Sometime after around the 2,347,984th push, your arms start to tire a bit. And really how long can you stand there pushing and dodging a swing coming directly at your face? It gets old. I realize that they eventually learn how to do this on their own, but in those 3-7 years before that happens, there is a lot of pushing happening. Enter the Self-Pushing Swing. The kids have a blast, your arms get a break. Win-win for everyone.

2. The Anti-Sugar-Buzz Snack. This snack would be perfect for those days when Mom really just needs a nap, but the kids don't seem to agree. It would be a delicious treat with a calming effect on small, hyper children. They would of course be highly nutritious and totally organic. After one of these scrumptious snacks, the kids would simmer down, speak in low voices and lie like vegetables for at least the length of a Disney movie. A perfect amount of rest time for a harried Mom. These come in handy at bedtime as well. Kids fighting the bedtime routine? Give 'em one of these and watch 'em go down for the count. Er, ummm, the night.

3. The Mommy Face-Shield. This invention comes in handy on those long afternoons at the pool or playing in the sprinklers. We love to play with our kids in the water. If you are anything like me, you hate being splashed in the face. The MFS would sort of hover around you--to keep your hands free for playing, of course--and automatically jump in front of you when you are about to be splashed. The more expensive model includes a hot cabana boy that holds the MFS for you.

4. The Candy-Coated Sunscreen Pill. Does anyone really enjoy trying to apply sunscreen to small, wiggly, unwilling children? Not really. And, shhhh...please don't tell anyone...but, sometimes, I actually *forget* to apply sunscreen to the Goombas. With the Candy-Coated Sunscreen Pill, you give the kiddos a Skittle-like piece of candy, and BAM! They are SPF 80 protected for the rest of the day. It is water-proof, sweat-proof, PABA-free and tastes great too. Available in chocolate or wine-cooler flavors for Mom.

5. The Mom Swim Suit. This one is still a work in progress. The design is meant to be a swimsuit for moms that actually makes you look good and FEEL good in public. It will minimize your thighs, bum and tummy. It will enhance and lift the boobies. It will make your hair look more luscious and the bags under your eyes disappear. Many claim to be this amazing suit, but only one will be the real thing. The best part is that it will be affordable, and of course, available at Target.

Oh I have so many more of these wonderful ideas in my Mommy brain! I'll leave you with these for now. Imagine a world with these amazing inventions. You can thank me later.