I had a mind once. Now I have small children.

Friday, August 6, 2010

Great Mom Inventions

I am on a quest. My quest is to become an independently wealthy woman so that I never have to work, I can hire a maid, a chef and a personal trainer, and my beer supply never runs low. I have decided that the only way to really make this happen is to invent something that the world can't live without. And there are just SO MANY things that the world cannot live without! My expertise lies in the area of parenting (of course, I am such an expert, you know!) and so here are just a few of my inventions that are going have me rolling in the dough...

1. The Self-Pushing Swing. Yes, I love to push my kids on the swings. They giggle with glee and have such fun flying through the air. But, let's get real here. Sometime after around the 2,347,984th push, your arms start to tire a bit. And really how long can you stand there pushing and dodging a swing coming directly at your face? It gets old. I realize that they eventually learn how to do this on their own, but in those 3-7 years before that happens, there is a lot of pushing happening. Enter the Self-Pushing Swing. The kids have a blast, your arms get a break. Win-win for everyone.

2. The Anti-Sugar-Buzz Snack. This snack would be perfect for those days when Mom really just needs a nap, but the kids don't seem to agree. It would be a delicious treat with a calming effect on small, hyper children. They would of course be highly nutritious and totally organic. After one of these scrumptious snacks, the kids would simmer down, speak in low voices and lie like vegetables for at least the length of a Disney movie. A perfect amount of rest time for a harried Mom. These come in handy at bedtime as well. Kids fighting the bedtime routine? Give 'em one of these and watch 'em go down for the count. Er, ummm, the night.

3. The Mommy Face-Shield. This invention comes in handy on those long afternoons at the pool or playing in the sprinklers. We love to play with our kids in the water. If you are anything like me, you hate being splashed in the face. The MFS would sort of hover around you--to keep your hands free for playing, of course--and automatically jump in front of you when you are about to be splashed. The more expensive model includes a hot cabana boy that holds the MFS for you.

4. The Candy-Coated Sunscreen Pill. Does anyone really enjoy trying to apply sunscreen to small, wiggly, unwilling children? Not really. And, shhhh...please don't tell anyone...but, sometimes, I actually *forget* to apply sunscreen to the Goombas. With the Candy-Coated Sunscreen Pill, you give the kiddos a Skittle-like piece of candy, and BAM! They are SPF 80 protected for the rest of the day. It is water-proof, sweat-proof, PABA-free and tastes great too. Available in chocolate or wine-cooler flavors for Mom.

5. The Mom Swim Suit. This one is still a work in progress. The design is meant to be a swimsuit for moms that actually makes you look good and FEEL good in public. It will minimize your thighs, bum and tummy. It will enhance and lift the boobies. It will make your hair look more luscious and the bags under your eyes disappear. Many claim to be this amazing suit, but only one will be the real thing. The best part is that it will be affordable, and of course, available at Target.

Oh I have so many more of these wonderful ideas in my Mommy brain! I'll leave you with these for now. Imagine a world with these amazing inventions. You can thank me later.


1 comment:

  1. These are great! My votes for #2 - think that would DEFINITELY get the money rolling in :)