I had a mind once. Now I have small children.

Thursday, April 2, 2015

April Fool's Day

I am not sure if I ever mentioned this story, but here is a quick preface to the actual story I am about to tell.  A few years ago, the Goombas were pestering me about dinner.  What are we having???  I don't like that!!!  Why are you making that???  What are we gonna eat???  I was finally so fed up that I said the first (ridiculous) thing that came into my head.  "You know what?" I snapped at my three little ones.  "We are having...  POOP SANDWICHES AND PEE JUICE!"  That stopped them in their tracks.  And now, every once in a while, when I am sick of the complaining or the badgering, I just tell them we are having poop sandwiches and pee juice for dinner. 

Fast forward to April 1st, 2015. 

Mario got me good.  Yesterday morning, on the drive to school, he pulled out a slip of paper and said, "Mom, I need you to sign this."  I looked at the slip.  It was a detention note.  The reason... incomplete homework assignments.  Since getting homework done has been an issue lately (homework is SO stupid, don't you know, lame-o MOM????), my blood started to boil. 

"MARIO!  How could you get a detention???  You know, you are grounded from soccer until this is taken care of, and I don't want to hear any excuses!  This is not acceptable!" 

Mario starts laughing hysterically.  "April Fool's Mom!!!!" 

Damn. It took a few minutes for me to simmer down and laugh about it.  Good one, Mario.  You got me....  this time. 

So, I went home after dropping them off at school and plotted my revenge.  So many options to choose from on Pinterest.  And that is when it hit me.  I was going to make them the dinner I had always threatened.  That is right.  I was going to make my Goombas poop sandwiches and pee juice for dinner. 

I worked all afternoon, getting it just right.  Making the poop.  Slicing the bread.  Squeezing the pee.  I had the table all set for when they got home from school.  Since all three of them had soccer practices beginning at 5 p.m., it was a perfect night to rush them into dinner without them suspecting a thing. 

We got home, and I told them to go upstairs immediately and get dressed for practice while I finished getting dinner on the table.  A few minutes later they came downstairs.  "We are hungry!  What is for dinner?" 

"Sit down and get started! You need to eat to have energy for practice!"

Luigi was the first to the table.  This is what he saw:
"Ummmm... Mom?"  he sounded a little choked up.  "What is that?"

"Well," I said, "I decided that since no one ever really likes what I cook, I would just make poop sandwiches and pee juice for real!  Sit down and eat!"

Peach stepped back from the table.  She did not like what she was seeing.  She hugged Bowser and said, "Daddy, do I have to eat that?"

Mario just stood with his mouth hanging open. 

Luigi started to whimper.  "I... don't... want... to eat poop!"

Peach followed with, "I don't think that would be good for us, Mom."

Bowser walked away.  We couldn't look at each other. 

"It's really not that bad," I said, as I picked up a piece of poop.  "I cleaned the litter box today, so it is all fresh.  You will like it if you just try it!"  I took a bite of the turd in my hand and said, "It's actually pretty tasty!"

Luigi lost it.  "NOOOOO!!!!  Mommy I don't want to eat POOOOOP!!!!"  He was crying.

Peach ran to Bowser, "Daddy, please don't make me eat it!! Please!  I really don't want to eat that!"

Then the wheels in Mario's head started to turn.  "Wait a minute.......  this is an April Fool's Day thing."  Long pause...  "Right?"

I finally burst out laughing, "APRIL FOOL!!!!"

Peach started laughing and crying at the same time.  Mario just shook his head and asked what was really for dinner.  Luigi refused to eat anything the rest of the evening.  Even after we proved to him that it wasn't actual poop. 

It was awesome.  My best prank ever.  Poop sandwiches and pee juice.  I am pretty sure someday the Goombas will be in therapy, recalling the time that their crazy mother traumatized them with poo for dinner. I am totally tucking this away to laugh at for years to come! 


ps--Of course it is not real poop!  To make the poop, I took brownies, crumbled them up and mixed with chocolate frosting.  Put the mix in a piping bag and "streak" it on some waxed paper.

Refrigerate til ready to serve.  The bread is a pound cake sliced thin.  The pee juice is lemonade flavored Gatorade. 

Wednesday, February 18, 2015

On this day of... what???

Take a little trip back in time with me.  The year is 2003.  Daisy (that's me) is 26 aeons pregnant with Mario.  Ok.  That is ridiculous.  Of course I wasn't THAT pregnant.  But, I WAS 42 weeks along and feeling pretty darn miserable.  It was cold outside.  Snowing, icy, windy... typical March weather.  And, it was Ash Wednesday.  As gigantic as I was, and as wretched as I felt, I decided that church was something necessary that evening.  Zaza and Papa were there and were getting tired of waiting for baby.  Bowser was doing his best to keep me happy and comfortable.  Getting out of the house was probably a good thing for all of us.

So, everyone bundled up and headed out the door.  Well, everyone but me.  I went out in my shorts and t-shirt because for some reason, my internal body temp was about 487 degrees.  The thought of a jacket was nauseating.  We got to the church and it was crazy crowded.  Crazy.  Even the Catholics who don't regularly attend Mass, somehow always feel the need to go on Christmas, Easter, and Ash Wednesday.  So, it was crowded.  We found a pew in the back and managed to squeeze in.  I sat on the aisle just "letting it all hang out," if you will.  I vaguely remember a lady smiling and asking me when I was due, and Bowser and Zaza having to hold me back from ripping her face off. 

Mass began.  I was hot.  I had to pee.  I was starving.  I silently begged God from my pew to "Please, for the love of YOU, get this baby out of me!"

And then, something magical happened...

No, I did not go into labor.  But, at that moment, it was pretty much the next best thing.

The priest, a lovely little man from Vietnam, began his sermon.

"Today we gather here to celebrate Ass Wednesday..."

My ears perked up.  Did he just say "ass?"

"On this day of asses," he continued, "we remind ourselves, blah, blah, blah"

I couldn't help it.  I started giggling.  Because, you know, I am 10-years old and if a priest says "ass" I am not going to be able to control myself.

He went on, "When we think of the asses....yadda, yadda, yadda..."

By this time, Bowser was giggling, too.  We were starting to get some dirty looks from the people around us.

Father then said, "When we put these 'ASSES ON OUR HEADS,' let us be reminded...  bleep, blop, blorp..."

And that was the end of me.  I started laughing.  Hard.  And peeing, because you know, forever pregnant.  Also crying, because I knew I shouldn't be laughing, which of course made it funnier, which, in turn, brought on the tears. The more I tried to keep it in, the harder I laughed.  Even Zaza and Papa were fighting back smiles and snickers.  What was even more amazing to me, was that no one else seemed to notice that our priest was talking about "Asses to Asses, and dust to dust." 

I excused myself and waddled to the restroom to clean myself up and calm down.  I somehow managed to make it through the rest of the service with only a giggle here and there. 

I didn't know it yet, but church was just what I needed to break the tension and agony I was feeling that evening.  The next day I went to the doctor and labor was induced.  Within 48 hours of that service, I was holding my baby Mario in my arms. 

When I went to the service this evening, with my now (nearly) 12-year old Mario sitting next to me, I still had to stifle a little chuckle when the Deacon talked about the importance of our "asses."  I'd like to think Jesus giggled a little bit, too. 


*Just as a disclaimer...  I have been Catholic my whole life, so I do understand the solemness of Ash Wednesday.  This is not meant to offend, it is just a funny story about how a priest unknowingly helped me out of my crazy state of mind so many years ago.