I had a mind once. Now I have small children.

Friday, October 29, 2010

The Door Lock Monster....And Other Ways Parents Mess Up Their Kids

A Bedtime Story...

Once there was a family that lived in a small house in a small town. Every night the Father was diligent about locking the doors before he went to bed. One night, the Daughter came home from a friend's house and forgot to lock the door before she went to her room. That night the Door-Lock Monster came and terrorized the family. Then he ate them all, leaving nothing behind but their bones. Door-Lock Monster then went along his merry way, looking for more unsuspecting families that had forgotten to lock their door when they went to bed. The End.

I tell you this story as a prime example of how parents can royally screw up their children. You see, my own dear Daddy told me this story (or at least some version of it) over and over again when I was a young girl. And now, to this very day, I cannot go to sleep without checking, re-checking, and checking again that my doors are locked when we go to bed. Oh sure, I totally know that there is no such thing as a "real" Door-Lock Monster, but I will tell you what... The fear that there is even a possibility of him lurking around out there, waiting to torture and eat us, is enough to leave me lying in bed at night, cursing my father, and wondering if I made sure the door was really, really all the way closed and locked. Seriously, I am in my 30's now, with children of my own, and this story has buried itself deep in my core. I'm pretty sure that I will have to leave a note in my will so that when I die, my coffin is locked up tight so that the Door-Lock Monster won't be able to get in and torture me for eternity.

And, now that I do have kids of my own, I often wonder what I must be doing to mess with their sweet, innocent, little minds. I can only imagine that someday, all three of the Goombas will have some kind of therapy session where they are sitting around talking about how their mother used to call them Goombas, which is basically comparing them to small, scary, mushroom dudes. I also imagine that they will never be able to eat mushrooms.

Sometimes, I just don't think parents realize the absolute power we have over our little ones. One evening before dinner, the Goombas were being extraordinarily cranky and whiney. When I was asked for the 432nd time what we were having for dinner, followed by complaints about whatever it was, I broke down and said, "If you ask me again I am going to make Poop Sandwiches and Pee Juice!!!" Mario started crying and Luigi started gagging. Peach, being the food-lover that she is, wouldn't have cared either way. Now, a year later, Mario still says, "Mommy, please don't make Poop Sandwiches and Pee Juice," with a hint of fear in his sweet, seven-year-old voice.

I did it without even realizing it! I scared my eldest child into thinking that I would serve him human waste for dinner if he kept bugging me and complaining. Way to go, Daisy. Just call me Mom of the Year!

So, parents, be careful what you say to your children as they grow. Who knows what they are going to say to their therapists about you someday. Now, I have go double check that all doors are locked before I go to bed.


Wednesday, October 27, 2010

A Blog For Bowser

My dearest, darling husband,

You are away for the weekend on your annual hunting trip right now. I must admit, I really thought the break would be nice. I mean, you do work from home so we are together ALL THE TIME. And now, I realize that I was just a little bit wrong. Now, listen up, Honey, because you know I won't admit this often, but this family just cannot function without you. Apparently, there are a few things we really need to have you around for.

Let's start with yesterday morning after you left. All was going fine, the Goombas and I were enjoying Saturday morning cartoons, I was sipping on my coffee thinking about what a relaxing weekend this would be. We made it through the morning, went to Wally-World for some Halloween gear and then we went to lunch at the Golden Arches. Because that is what Mom does when Daddy is gone, load the kids up on grease and salt and get them high on crappy, happy toys. That was when things started going downhill. Luigi decided that shoveling french fries (drenched in ketchup, of course) in his mouth and running circles around the table would be awesome. I'm sure you can guess what happened next. Luckily, they Happy Toy was a Halloween bucket. Perfect for a puking child. Thankfully my good friend, Lady Tag was there to help, because without her, I'm sure we would never be invited back to the "Place of Salty Goodness" again.

Fast forward to Sunday morning. Tra-la-la-la-laaaa! Everything again was splendid. I made honey biscuits for the Goombas for breakfast. We were having a gay old time when--BAM!!! Reality hit. Peach started in on an hour long temper tantrum that only, "Daddy!!! No Mommy! Daaaaaaaddddddyyyyyyy!!!!!!!!" could fix. I found a dead mouse in the garage that had strategically placed its body in my path to the driver's side door. Also, right in front of the outside refrigerator holding all of our extra milk and beer. Guess what we were out of inside the house. I'll give you a hint. It wasn't beer. As I was trying to soothe Peach and figure out how to trick Luigi into wanting anything BUT milk, Mario came to me and said, "Hey, Mom! Look! Here is a piece of my tooth!" Then he pulled out 3 more small tooth nuggets. Apparently sometimes the baby molars don't just fall out, they shatter into a billion pieces and come out bit by bit. Ummm...that information would have been useful YESTERDAY!

Thankfully, Peach's tantrum was nothing that a good old-fashioned princess movie couldn't fix. Even more thankfully, our fabulous friend, Mr. FK, came and took care of Mr. Dead-Mousey for me. Which means I was able to get to the outside fridge to get milk for Luigi (and a much-needed beer for me). As far as Mario's tooth, we are hoping the rest wiggles out be the end of the night.

To be honest with you, I just don't know how single moms do it. You ladies are amazing! By the end of Sunday evening, I was drained. So drained, in fact, that I laid on the couch like a vegetable just staring vacantly at the television, not even paying attention to the fact that Bree was sleeping with David from 90210. Ok, maybe I paid a little bit of attention. But, that isn't the point. I still had to get through Monday morning, which was going to be the most challenging part of our vacation from Daddy. Get myself and three Goombas ready for school and out the door by 7:50 a.m.

I am not even going to go into detail about how Monday morning played itself out. Let's just say there was a lot of yelling and crying and coffee-chugging. Somehow, though, we all managed to make it out the door in one piece. It is all kind of a blur to me at this point. Then we started counting down hours till Daddy came home.

Bowser, my love, I feel that I must apologize for just throwing children at you and running out the door as soon as you walked in. But, let's be real, here. You know as well as I do, that someone would have been hurt if I hadn't immediately escaped. And now you are home and the rhythm of life is back to its normal cadence. So, I am just going to say, thanks for all you do. Even though I complain, I guess you do more than I give you credit for. Without you, this family just wouldn't work. And I wouldn't get much sleep because we all know the "door-lock monster" is just waiting for me to fall asleep when you aren't here so he can come eat me and the Goombas.

Glad you are home, Honey!


P.S. For those of you wondering about the Door-Lock Monster... Not to worry, you will hear more about him very soon. ~Cheers!

Monday, October 11, 2010

Kids Are So Gross

**Warning** This post is not for the weak of stomach!

The other day, I was shopping at Wal-Mart. I rarely go to Wal-Mart, because Target is my Happy Place, but I needed to get something that could only be gotten at Wally-World. Every time we go to the Mart of Walls, my kids beg me to look at the fish tanks, which is fine with me because I can use it to bribe them to behave. Since my little Goombas did a fairly good job at the store, we stopped on our way to check out to look at the fishies. And that is when it happened. My sweet, smiley Luigi leaned over to look more closely at the fish and then LICKED the front of the tank. I actually had vomit in my mouth. I freaked out and grabbed him and said, "YUCKY! We do NOT lick the fish tanks!" He laughed and said, "Just kidding, Mommy!" And then lady a few feet away from us started giggling and walked away.

Holy grossness, Batman. It was so disgusting. But, then it got me thinking about all of the gross things that kids do. They are such curious little souls, and they don't understand about the filth of the world that is all around us. Now, I would like to state for the record here that I am NOT a germ freak. I'm kindof a "whatever doesn't kill them makes them stronger" type of Mom. However, I do have standards, and licking the fish tank at Wal-Mart, well... That is just repulsive.

Here are some other outstandingly nauseating moments from the Goombas...

~I was driving Peach to an appointment with McDreamy one day and had Luigi with me. I decided to be nice and get everyone a hashbrown from the Golden Arches on the way there. About a mile away from the hospital I hear liquid splatter all over the back of the front passenger seat. I turned around just in time to see that Luigi had projectile vomited all over himself, the door and window, and the seat in front of him. I almost started crying and I told him, "Honey, Mommy is pulling over as soon as I can!" That is when he reached in his seat, pulled out a chunk of hashbrown and said, "Mmmm, hashbrown," and proceeded to eat it. I think this kid is going to make all kinds of money winning bets in college.

~While playing outside just the other day, Peach was enjoying the sucker she got for doing a good job at physical therapy. Silly me, I took my eyes off of her for a moment to run inside the house and get something. When I came back out, she had found a lovely little patch of dirt to dip her sucker in. She sat there dipping into and licking off the dirt, every once in a while pointing to it and saying, "Look, ant!" Ummm, I guess at least she got a little protein?

~When Mario was a wee little lad, we had a beautiful (albeit crazy!) golden retriever. Mario and Puppy adored each other. They adored each other so much, in fact, that they liked to share everything, including their food. I can't even count the number of times I caught Mario offering Puppy some chow...one for Puppy, 2 for Mario. Also, Puppy had a fondness for ice cream. So, Mario, not wanting to leave Puppy out of the fun, would share licks of his cone with her. Yummy.

~When Mario was a tiny baby, I was rocking him and cooing at him and making sweet baby noises in his general direction. When all of a sudden, he went all Regan from the Exorcist on my butt and spewed about a gallon of vomit in my face. It was so awesome. (Please note sarcasm in previous sentence.) I tasted rotten baby spit-up for days afterward. I honestly didn't know that much liquid could come out of such a tiny being.

~You already know the story of the "Mystery Rock." If that isn't gross, I don't know what is. Actually, the kids tried to warn us about that one, so I guess parents can be fairly grody as well.

Of course, we also have the common offensive acts at our house, too. Nose picking and booger eating, turkey tracks in the underpants, licking the cats, smelling each others bottoms post-spark... But, sometimes, seriously, I am amazed at how absolutely revolting kids can be. Awesome, amazing, sweet and loving...but pretty darn gross all the same.

Oh great. I just heard Mario dare Luigi to put something in his mouth. This can't be good...