I had a mind once. Now I have small children.

Monday, October 11, 2010

Kids Are So Gross

**Warning** This post is not for the weak of stomach!

The other day, I was shopping at Wal-Mart. I rarely go to Wal-Mart, because Target is my Happy Place, but I needed to get something that could only be gotten at Wally-World. Every time we go to the Mart of Walls, my kids beg me to look at the fish tanks, which is fine with me because I can use it to bribe them to behave. Since my little Goombas did a fairly good job at the store, we stopped on our way to check out to look at the fishies. And that is when it happened. My sweet, smiley Luigi leaned over to look more closely at the fish and then LICKED the front of the tank. I actually had vomit in my mouth. I freaked out and grabbed him and said, "YUCKY! We do NOT lick the fish tanks!" He laughed and said, "Just kidding, Mommy!" And then lady a few feet away from us started giggling and walked away.

Holy grossness, Batman. It was so disgusting. But, then it got me thinking about all of the gross things that kids do. They are such curious little souls, and they don't understand about the filth of the world that is all around us. Now, I would like to state for the record here that I am NOT a germ freak. I'm kindof a "whatever doesn't kill them makes them stronger" type of Mom. However, I do have standards, and licking the fish tank at Wal-Mart, well... That is just repulsive.

Here are some other outstandingly nauseating moments from the Goombas...

~I was driving Peach to an appointment with McDreamy one day and had Luigi with me. I decided to be nice and get everyone a hashbrown from the Golden Arches on the way there. About a mile away from the hospital I hear liquid splatter all over the back of the front passenger seat. I turned around just in time to see that Luigi had projectile vomited all over himself, the door and window, and the seat in front of him. I almost started crying and I told him, "Honey, Mommy is pulling over as soon as I can!" That is when he reached in his seat, pulled out a chunk of hashbrown and said, "Mmmm, hashbrown," and proceeded to eat it. I think this kid is going to make all kinds of money winning bets in college.

~While playing outside just the other day, Peach was enjoying the sucker she got for doing a good job at physical therapy. Silly me, I took my eyes off of her for a moment to run inside the house and get something. When I came back out, she had found a lovely little patch of dirt to dip her sucker in. She sat there dipping into and licking off the dirt, every once in a while pointing to it and saying, "Look, ant!" Ummm, I guess at least she got a little protein?

~When Mario was a wee little lad, we had a beautiful (albeit crazy!) golden retriever. Mario and Puppy adored each other. They adored each other so much, in fact, that they liked to share everything, including their food. I can't even count the number of times I caught Mario offering Puppy some chow...one for Puppy, 2 for Mario. Also, Puppy had a fondness for ice cream. So, Mario, not wanting to leave Puppy out of the fun, would share licks of his cone with her. Yummy.

~When Mario was a tiny baby, I was rocking him and cooing at him and making sweet baby noises in his general direction. When all of a sudden, he went all Regan from the Exorcist on my butt and spewed about a gallon of vomit in my face. It was so awesome. (Please note sarcasm in previous sentence.) I tasted rotten baby spit-up for days afterward. I honestly didn't know that much liquid could come out of such a tiny being.

~You already know the story of the "Mystery Rock." If that isn't gross, I don't know what is. Actually, the kids tried to warn us about that one, so I guess parents can be fairly grody as well.

Of course, we also have the common offensive acts at our house, too. Nose picking and booger eating, turkey tracks in the underpants, licking the cats, smelling each others bottoms post-spark... But, sometimes, seriously, I am amazed at how absolutely revolting kids can be. Awesome, amazing, sweet and loving...but pretty darn gross all the same.

Oh great. I just heard Mario dare Luigi to put something in his mouth. This can't be good...


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