I had a mind once. Now I have small children.

Tuesday, May 22, 2012

Coming Soon

**Note: Please read this blog in your best "Movie Preview Man" voice.**

Coming soon, to a town near you...

In a world of broken, peeled crayons...

In a place where grapes are smashed carelessly on the floor...

In a time when empty wine and margarita glasses appear across backyards everywhere...

A terror like no other looms large...

This Friday, every mother's worst nightmare is about to come true...

This Friday...

(Click here!)

Moms...  Save. Your. Sanity.

(and now click here!)

Alice Cooper - School's Out .mp3

Found at bee mp3 search engine


Saturday, May 12, 2012

Happy Mother's Day

The definition of the word "mother," according to Dictionary.com is:

noun : A female parent.

Wow.  I gotta give you credit dictionary people...  You somehow managed to sum up one of the most complex words in our language into three simple little words.  A female parent.  I guess, if we are going to be truly technical about it, they are correct.  A mother is, indeed, a parent of the womanly persuasion.  I, however, will beg to differ that a mother is so, so, so much more than that.  So, if I were ever lucky enough to be employed by the brainiacs that write dictionaries, I would have to fight to change that definition.  My definition of the word would look something more like this...

mother n. [muhth-er]

1.  A woman, who once had a life to herself, that now shares every aspect of her being with little people that thrive on her love.
2.  A woman who may have, at one time, been grossed out by snot, poop, vomit, and other body secretions, but that now wipes it up and wears it on her shirt on a daily basis.
3.  A female who used to know what healthy eating meant, but now feeds the small beings that need her chicken nuggets 5 times a week because it is all they will eat.
4.  A woman who had too much Keystone Ice one night and found herself staring at a pink line 2 weeks later, wondering how in the hell she was going to ever be able to do the job of raising a child.  
5.  A woman who shed tears from a place in her soul that she never knew existed the first time her child was placed in her arms.   
6.  A female who has given birth to, adopted, fostered, sheltered, clothed, fed, and/or LOVED a child.  
7.  A woman who gave up business meetings for butt-wiping, catered dinners for corn dogs, fancy clothes for stained Target t-shirts, and wouldn't change any of it for anything in the world.
8.  A female who can listen to her child/children scream her name in every variation, at high decibel levels more than 3 million times a day, and still loves that the name Mother (Mom, Mommy, Mama, Ma, Meme...) is hers.
9.  A woman who hears the word "Mommy" yelled by a random child in public, and her heart skips a beat as she looks for her child, because even though she knows it wasn't hers, it is a knee-jerk reaction.
10.  A person who once knew what was happening in the Middle East, and who was running for president, but now Tivo's Sesame Street so she doesn't miss Jake Gyllenhaal with an octopus on his head. 
 11.  A woman whose heart aches when their child comes home crying from school because she just can't make everything better all the time, and that is a lesson she will never truly learn.  
12.  A woman who packed away all her expensive china and stemware so she could turn her dining room into a toy mecca for her children.  
13.  A female that now knows every last minute detail about Disney Cars or Disney Princesses, and finds herself spouting off this information at inappropriate times.  
14.  An adult girl who rejoices at the first day of school, because that means more of a break for her than summer break could ever actually be. 
15.  A woman who now receives more handmade gifts than Tiffany's gifts, and loves them more than she could ever love any old piece of jewelry.  
16.  A woman whose heart now beats outside of her own body, in the bodies of the little ones she lives for. 

So, to you, my fellow mothers, whether you fit all or part of this definition...  
May your day be filled with quiet, well-behaved children, a doting husband/partner/friend, all kinds of "calorie-free" foods and your favorite beachy cocktails (and by the way, it is ALL calorie free on Mom's Day!), no chores, and lots of hugs and kisses from the ones you love.  You deserve it, Mama!  


PS--Thanks to the greatest Mom on Earth!  I love you Zaz!   

Friday, May 11, 2012

Can I have S'more, Please?

A few years ago, my dear Auntie Mets sent my family a S'mores maker for Christmas.  Have you seen one?  It is basically a mini grill, that is powered by chafing dish fuel, with skewers to roast your marshmallows on.  It's really cute, too.  The little device actually looks like a ceramic toasted marshmallow and it sits on a dish that looks like Hershey's bars.  Anyways, the point is, we got this gift for Christmas, probably 5 years ago, and I must admit, I never used it.  It sat in my basement for a while, and then in my garage.  It wasn't that I didn't want to use it.  It was just one of those things that sort of got pushed to the side and I kept thinking, I will get it out as a treat for the kids one night, and, well...  That night just never really came.  You know how it is with kids.  If you get something like that out, it is probably going to make more of a mess than it is worth, then your kids will be all hopped up on marshmallows and chocolate, you will have a burn mark on your ceiling from where the fire (inevitably) got out of control, and you will be scraping sticky marshmallow goo off your counters for weeks to come. 

Fast forward to last Monday.  As the den leader for Mario's Cub Scout den (you can stop laughing now, and yes, I wear the awesome khaki uniform), I had to think of one last fun activity to do for the school year.  I settled on a requirement that has the scouts make trail mix and a snack for their meeting.  The trail mix was easy.  I bought a ton of trail mix-y stuff and each scout got to create their own mix.  They loved it.  But, what on earth was I going to have them make for snack?  As I was walking in from the garage, a box with a big Hershey's kiss caught my eye.  S'mores!!!  Ok, how hard can this really be?  The scouts will love it, I will have other adults there to help, and since it is at the school, there is a built in sprinkler system for any wayward s'more flames. 

The scouts had a BLAST, and I have to say, that little S'mores maker is fan-freakin'-tastic!  How could I not have gotten this little bit of marshmallow magic out of the box sooner?  When I brought it home that night, I stood in the kitchen, with the little burner lit, and promptly roasted myself about 27 marshmallows.  When I was done, the only mess left was the marshmallow goo on my fingers and all over my face from stuffing them in as fast as I could.  I'm a roasted marshmallow FREAK.  I love them.  I love to set them on fire till they are black and crispy on the outside, and warm and runny on the inside.  And this sweet little invention makes it so damn easy! 

On Tuesday morning, I got out of bed, came downstairs and toasted myself a couple more marshmallows and made a s'more.  About 30 minutes later, I made 2 more s'mores.  For lunch, I had 2 s'mores and 8 toasted marshmallows.  Whenever the craving hit, all I had to do was go into the kitchen, light the little burner, grab a 'mallow and toast away.  By Tuesday evening, I was out of chocolate and marshmallows. 

Wednesday morning, I promptly got the younger Goombas in the car and headed to the grocery store for Hershey bars and Jet-Puffed marshmallows.  Oh sure, I got a few other "real food" items, but I'll give you one guess as to what items #1 and 2 were on my list.  When I walked back into my house, I was greeted by the aroma of softly burnt sugar.  Yum. 

Basically, what I am trying to say here, is that pretty much the only thing I have eaten since Monday evening are s'mores and toasted marshmallows.  Bowser finally put it away in the box last night.  I think he was tired of me sneaking into the kitchen every 6 minutes to light the burner, toast a 'mallow, blow it out, and stuff my face while making yummy noises.  So far today, I have been s'more-less.   I am trying desperately not to allow myself any until at least S'more:30 this afternoon.  (Which usually comes right around the same time as Beer:30.  Dear Lord, could life get any better???)

So, Auntie Mets, thank you, thank you, THANK YOU (a little belated) for this incredibly awesome, tasty gift!  My butt might not be so thankful, as I am sure an all s'mores diet isn't going to do much for it's size, but hey, who couldn't use a little junk in the trunk.  I will be heading back to the grocery store shortly, to stock up on ingredients for the weekend.  And maybe, just maybe, if the Goombas and Bowser are lucky, I will share some with them. 


Thursday, May 3, 2012

What We Have Become...

Bowser and I met many, many moons ago when we were both in college.  He was a senior and I was a freshman.  (Yes, I was that cool.  haha!)  We used to talk all the time about all kinds of important and fun things.  I can remember going out to dinner and never running out of new topics to discuss.  We would call each other and have conversations late into the night.  Now, after nearly 11 years of marriage, things have changed just a little bit. 

Here is an example of an actual text conversation from this morning, regarding the new dishwasher detergent that we bought...

Me:  Ummmm... WOW! This is the cleanest the dishes have ever been!!

Bowser:  I know!  We usually use crappy dish soap.

Me:  I am never going back.  It's just one of those things we are going to have to spend the extra couple of bucks on.  Even the dishwasher looks cleaner!!!

Bowser:  Suck it, cheap Costco dish soap!!

Me:  Yeah!  Suck it!!!

But, wait, the conversation doesn't end there.  A few minutes later, my phone rang.  It was Bowser calling from the office.

Bowser:  So, you like it a lot better?

Me:  Yes!  I just can't believe how clean it all came out!

Bowser:  Did you notice when we walked by last night how good it smelled in the kitchen while the dishwasher was running?

Me:  I know.  Really, I am never going back to the cheap stuff.

Bowser:  It was really crappy soap.  I like this one much better.  Buy it again next time. 

Me:  Dear Lord, are we really having this conversation???

Bowser:  Yup. 

Yes, this is what we have become.  An old, married couple, discussing the quality of dishwasher detergent.  **facepalm**  Doh! 

Love you Bowser!  There is no one I would rather discuss Cascade with than you!