I had a mind once. Now I have small children.

Thursday, April 2, 2015

April Fool's Day

I am not sure if I ever mentioned this story, but here is a quick preface to the actual story I am about to tell.  A few years ago, the Goombas were pestering me about dinner.  What are we having???  I don't like that!!!  Why are you making that???  What are we gonna eat???  I was finally so fed up that I said the first (ridiculous) thing that came into my head.  "You know what?" I snapped at my three little ones.  "We are having...  POOP SANDWICHES AND PEE JUICE!"  That stopped them in their tracks.  And now, every once in a while, when I am sick of the complaining or the badgering, I just tell them we are having poop sandwiches and pee juice for dinner. 

Fast forward to April 1st, 2015. 

Mario got me good.  Yesterday morning, on the drive to school, he pulled out a slip of paper and said, "Mom, I need you to sign this."  I looked at the slip.  It was a detention note.  The reason... incomplete homework assignments.  Since getting homework done has been an issue lately (homework is SO stupid, don't you know, lame-o MOM????), my blood started to boil. 

"MARIO!  How could you get a detention???  You know, you are grounded from soccer until this is taken care of, and I don't want to hear any excuses!  This is not acceptable!" 

Mario starts laughing hysterically.  "April Fool's Mom!!!!" 

Damn. It took a few minutes for me to simmer down and laugh about it.  Good one, Mario.  You got me....  this time. 

So, I went home after dropping them off at school and plotted my revenge.  So many options to choose from on Pinterest.  And that is when it hit me.  I was going to make them the dinner I had always threatened.  That is right.  I was going to make my Goombas poop sandwiches and pee juice for dinner. 

I worked all afternoon, getting it just right.  Making the poop.  Slicing the bread.  Squeezing the pee.  I had the table all set for when they got home from school.  Since all three of them had soccer practices beginning at 5 p.m., it was a perfect night to rush them into dinner without them suspecting a thing. 

We got home, and I told them to go upstairs immediately and get dressed for practice while I finished getting dinner on the table.  A few minutes later they came downstairs.  "We are hungry!  What is for dinner?" 

"Sit down and get started! You need to eat to have energy for practice!"

Luigi was the first to the table.  This is what he saw:
"Ummmm... Mom?"  he sounded a little choked up.  "What is that?"

"Well," I said, "I decided that since no one ever really likes what I cook, I would just make poop sandwiches and pee juice for real!  Sit down and eat!"

Peach stepped back from the table.  She did not like what she was seeing.  She hugged Bowser and said, "Daddy, do I have to eat that?"

Mario just stood with his mouth hanging open. 

Luigi started to whimper.  "I... don't... want... to eat poop!"

Peach followed with, "I don't think that would be good for us, Mom."

Bowser walked away.  We couldn't look at each other. 

"It's really not that bad," I said, as I picked up a piece of poop.  "I cleaned the litter box today, so it is all fresh.  You will like it if you just try it!"  I took a bite of the turd in my hand and said, "It's actually pretty tasty!"

Luigi lost it.  "NOOOOO!!!!  Mommy I don't want to eat POOOOOP!!!!"  He was crying.

Peach ran to Bowser, "Daddy, please don't make me eat it!! Please!  I really don't want to eat that!"

Then the wheels in Mario's head started to turn.  "Wait a minute.......  this is an April Fool's Day thing."  Long pause...  "Right?"

I finally burst out laughing, "APRIL FOOL!!!!"

Peach started laughing and crying at the same time.  Mario just shook his head and asked what was really for dinner.  Luigi refused to eat anything the rest of the evening.  Even after we proved to him that it wasn't actual poop. 

It was awesome.  My best prank ever.  Poop sandwiches and pee juice.  I am pretty sure someday the Goombas will be in therapy, recalling the time that their crazy mother traumatized them with poo for dinner. I am totally tucking this away to laugh at for years to come! 


ps--Of course it is not real poop!  To make the poop, I took brownies, crumbled them up and mixed with chocolate frosting.  Put the mix in a piping bag and "streak" it on some waxed paper.

Refrigerate til ready to serve.  The bread is a pound cake sliced thin.  The pee juice is lemonade flavored Gatorade. 

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