There are a lot of things in my life that I never thought I would say or do. You always hear people say, "kids say the darndest things!" But, I have to tell you, Moms also find themselves saying the darndest things.
Let's start with pregnancy. Bowser and I were married for 9 months when I found out I was pregnant with Mario. This was not in our 5 year plan. I had no idea how Bowser would react when I told him, so when I drove my hysterical self to his brother's house while they were roofing, I was still trying to figure out what to say. Naturally, I said the first thing that popped out of my mouth. It went something like this...
Bowser: What is wrong??? What happened??
Me: sniff, snort, sob, sob, sob!!!
Bowser: What happened? Did something happen to your parents?
Me: No! It is worse than that!!!
Then I shoved the pee covered stick in his face and continued to sob. Worse than that??? I have NO IDEA why I said what I did. I was actually so very excited! I guess the hormones took over. Not my proudest moment. Which brings me to after the pregnancy...
In the hospital, after giving birth to my darling Mario, I realized how very terrified I was of being a mother. Seriously? These crazy people were going to let ME take a child home?? They obviously had no idea what they were doing, or they would never let this happen. And I decided it would be a good idea to tell them this. The day I was being discharged with my angel child, I cried to my nurse. I BEGGED her not to make the mistake of sending a child home with me to care for. "I am NOT responsible enough to take care of a LIFE!" I practically yelled at her. "I have no idea how to care for a child! Please let me STAY HERE FOREVER!" Again. Not my proudest moment. And, of course, that whacked out woman actually sent him home with me. Poor kid.
Now, we can move along to things I never thought I would say to my kids. This category really could go on forever. But, I will try to narrow it down to a few of my favorites.
~"No, you may not go outside, you need to just sit down and watch tv!!" This one got me the Mother of the Year award. All I can say is that it was snowing outside, it was frigid cold. I couldn't send them out in that and I just wanted them out of my hair so I could fold a load of laundry.
~"No, we can not have a 'no pants day,' so stop taking off your brothers underpants!" Mario was the one that came up with the brilliant "no pants day" idea. I soon realized that my yelling was futile, as they continued to chase each other around and rip each others pants off.
~"We do not let cats play with our wiener." There really is no explaining this one. Just know that I did actually have to say these words to Luigi.
~"Yes, that is right, I made poop sandwiches and pee juice for dinner and you are going to have to eat it." Don't you ever get tired of the kids whining about what you cook? Yeah, me too. This was one of those days.
And now, our last subject. Things I never thought I would say to my husband. This really only brings one instance to mind, but it was really a doozy. This was one of those times when you wish you could actually grab words out of the air and put them back in your mouth before the other person can hear them.
One day, I playfully punched Bowser in the arm. He, in turn, punched me in the behind. And he did it hard. Here is the conversation that ensued:
Me: OW! That hurt!!!
Bowser: Well, you punched me in the arm and that hurt!
Me: Well, you don't have to sit on your arm all day!!!
Just let that sink in for a minute. Yes. I essentially said that I sit on my butt all day. Seriously. If I could have turned back time and taken those words away, I would have. I will never live that moment down. He still brings it up. And I think he always will. For the rest of my life.
Stay tuned in the future for "things I never thought my husband would say to me," and "things I never thought my kids would say." Now I have to go sit on my butt all day.