I had a mind once. Now I have small children.

Wednesday, May 26, 2010

The Whining Game

There are a lot of things about being a SAHM that can really drive a woman crazy. The endless cycles of dishes, the endless loads of laundry, the piles of poopy diapers and the floor that needs to be swept 1,347 times a day and still doesn't look clean can take it's toll on anyone. But, of all these fabulous things that I deal with on a daily basis, the one I dislike the most is when the Goombas whine.

Oh, that sound is worse than fingers on a chalkboard. Are you familiar with what a whiney child sounds like? No? Ok, let me try to explain it to you. Imagine that you are sitting at home, you are perfectly happy, just doing your thing and then you start to feel it coming. It starts out small, just something in the background, really. You might not even notice it at first. Then, it starts to grow. Before you know it, this sound has gotten under your skin. It causes a ringing in your ears that you aren't really sure will ever go away. You close your eyes and wish it away. You yell at the source of the noise to make it stop, but that only makes it worse. Soon, you feel like you want to be locked away in an old-fashioned mental hospital, in one of those padded rooms. You will do anything, ANYTHING to just make it stop!! It keeps getting louder and louder until finally--you snap. You give in. You just have to get away from the shrill sound that never seems to end. And by giving in, that means you also lost the game, Mama. Sorry. Score: Goombas 346,908 - Mommy 0.

We play this game several times a day in our house. It doesn't even have to be about anything important. It might actually be a conspiracy against me. I think the Goombas are trying to send me to the funny farm. I imagine them getting together for meetings in Peach's crib, in the wee hours of the morning. They whisper about how if Mommy loses her marbles, they can play Wii, eat popsicles, and color ALL DAY! And it will be so easy, they tell each other. All we have to do is whine about everything she says. Then they all maniacally laugh and sneak back into their beds to wait for me and attack.

In fact, I actually think that if the government would just record the sound of children whining and play it on loudspeakers throughout the Pakistani mountains, that Osama bin Laden would come running out, screaming his surrender, just to make the sound stop. Seriously. I am so sure of this, that I will gladly volunteer my children's high-pitched howls to the cause. But, I digress...

Yes, I have read all of the articles and books that say you should just ignore it and they will stop. But, honestly, I don't think those doctors and experts have ever been around whiney children or they would know that you really just can't ignore it. I do try to keep the whining to a minimum. Mario gets time out and loses Wii privileges for whining too much. Luigi gets time out and has to take a nap if he whines. Peach gets her crayons taken away when she whines and starts throwing things. And yet, it still happens on a regular basis. Every single day. By bedtime every evening, I am so strung out on that sound that I think I might not make it another moment.

In an effort to dull the pain in my ears from our daily episodes of the Whining Game, I have decided to make my own little song. I sing it to myself when I want to whine right back at them. I would like to thank Boy George for the original lyrics and tune "The Crying Game." (Look it up on YouTube if you haven't heard it. Then sing my lyrics along with it. I think you will like it.) And now, I give to you....

"The Whining Game"

I know all there is to know about the whining game
I've had my share of the whining game
First there is yelling, then wailing and cries,
And then before you know where you are, you're losing your mind.

One day soon, I'm gonna tell the moon about the whining game
And if he knows, maybe he'll explain
Why there is screaming, why there are tears?
And is it too early to deaden the noise with a few beers?

First there is yelling, then wailing and cries,
And then before you know where you are, you're losing your mind

Don't want no more of the whining game...
Don't want no more of the whining game...

So, I sing my song and I keep the hope alive that maybe someday, the score will change. Score: Goombas 346,908 - Mommy 1.


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